What if there were no such thing as failure?
A year ago, my business coach told me I would start posting on LinkedIn. My response was immediate and clear: no freaking way.
I had made exactly two LinkedIn posts in my entire life, and both about other people. The thought of putting my own writing out there? Terrifying. What would people think? What if it was not good? What if no one read it?
Fast forward two months, and I found myself publishing my first article.
The key was finding a format that resonated with me. As a passionate high school writer and reader, I found that the essay style made the most sense. So I went for it. Did it feel scary for someone who had no social media except LinkedIn? Very scary indeed. But once I did it a few times, it became more natural. The fear of what people would think subsided. The excitement about finally writing again after 20 years, and about sharing my thoughts and learnings, surprisingly grew with each article, outweighing the fear.
Then I even dared to create a newsletter. People get this directly in their inbox - bypassing the LinkedIn algorithm. Many people from my "past lives," different chapters of my life, now read these articles. That felt scary at the beginning, too, but also slowly became exciting, and a way to reconnect with people I hadn't had contact with for many years.
This is my own proof that our biggest potential lies where our biggest fear is.
So, what if I told you there's no such thing as failure? And the only real failure is never trying at all?
How we learn to fear failure
When you observe small babies learning to crawl and then walk, they fall an infinite number of times. They get up and continue. Try again, and again. Until they manage it, first quite shaky, but eventually every healthy baby walks.
Somewhere in our childhood - often through our parents and the conscious or unconscious messages they send us, and then later at school - we pick up the notion that failure is … well, failure. It is something to fear. If it happens, we should be ashamed of it.
So we reach adulthood terrified of failure, and sometimes, even of things that might only be externally perceived as such.
Carol Dweck's research on mindset shows this clearly: people with a "fixed mindset" see failure as proof they are not good enough. People with a "growth mindset" see it as information and insight into what to do differently next time. The difference? One group stops trying, the other keeps growing.
But here's what creates that label of "failure" in the first place: we have a specific idea in our minds of how things should turn out, which in turn informs what success should look like - to be considered success. There is a desired outcome, and every outcome is then judged against that one - and the bigger the gap between what we expected and what actually happened, the more likely we are to call it a failure. Things rarely go exactly according to our plan anyway, yet we're essentially judging reality against an imagination, and then calling ourselves failures when reality doesn't match what we made up in our heads.
In addition, today more than ever, there is a need to portray that everything is going well. If you are not sure, just have a look at your social media. Successes - a new job, promotion, successful startup fundraise - are announced, celebrated, always in the front. Failures, or whatever we perceive as such, not so much, if ever.
A friend recently said something along the lines: "Burnout, layoffs, and problems don't make up for a good dinner topic." And that is, unfortunately, true.
Regardless of what your career looks like - a straight, linear line with a consistent climb, or a zig-zag path - there was a moment (or a few of them) where things did not go so well. Moments you might not be proud of and might not talk about at dinner.
But why? Failures are an inevitable part of life. But somewhere along the way, we picked up a belief that failures are negative.
What successful people think about failure
I remember reading an interview with Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx and a self-made billionaire. She mentioned how her father would ask her and her brother every week what they had failed at. He would express disappointment if they did not have a failure to report, and at the same time, celebrate their failures with a high-five.
This way, he taught them that failure is not a bad or unwanted outcome - and that the real failure is actually not even trying. What a wonderful gift and a life-changing lesson he gave his children, one that most likely significantly shaped their personalities and lives. So perhaps not so accidentally, both of them went on to become very successful entrepreneurs.
A legendary quote by Nelson Mandela says it all: "I never lose. Either I win, or I learn." Every setback is indeed an opportunity to learn and grow.
Most of us, however, did not have a parent who encouraged trying without fear of failing in such a way. Directly or indirectly, we picked up the belief that failing is bad. And when it inevitably happened, we internalized it as our mistake, as our personal failure, or perhaps even as something not being good enough about ourselves.
Through my own experience as well as the experience of my clients - with whom I also work through reframing negatively perceived events in their careers - I have come to believe that there really aren't failures and mistakes. There are only learnings along the way. Lessons we take with us - some we master, some still need to be learned to a full extent, and we apply them later in life.
A few useful things to ask yourself when reframing the (perceived) failure:
What is good about what happened? (shifts your focus from negative to the positive aspects)
What did I learn from this experience? (helps you to synthesize learnings, especially the non-obvious ones)
What would I do differently next time? (sums up key lessons and takeaways)
How did this prepare me for what comes next? (directs your mind towards the future)
When things we did not want or expect happen, it is actually good to be upset, sad, angry, and to grieve - whatever was not and/or will not happen. But the sooner we can start reframing the experience, the earlier we can start connecting the dots. We might realize that, although quite unpleasant at the time, that might have been exactly the type of experience we needed in our career or life to learn whatever we needed to learn - and to take us to that next step, stage, or season.
The cost of playing it safe
So if we know all this - that failure is learning, that successful people embrace it, that it's not something to fear - why do so many of us still not try?
I was listening to people share recently about why they don't do the thing they've been thinking about. Why don't they write that book? Why don't they start that business or side hustle? Why don't they try the career shift they've been dreaming about?
The answers? Fear of being judged, fear of being criticized, fear of failing publicly, fear of disappointing others. Notice: none of these fears is about the thing itself. They're about what other people will think.
We're not afraid we can't do it. We're afraid of what happens if we try and it doesn't work out the way we hoped. We're afraid of the story others will tell about us. And so we don't try. We keep the dream safely inside, where no one can judge it, criticize it, or watch it fail.
But here's what happens when we do that: We might stop trying altogether. We might stop believing that something more or something really big is possible for us. Over time, especially if these "failures" happen a few times, we might even stop dreaming bigger.
Because deep in ourselves, we all have desires and dreams, whatever those are. Something different than the present, something special we would like to do or achieve. And something we, along the journey, pushed aside and stopped thinking about.
Because why risk failure? It is uncomfortable. We don't like it. But the truth is: it is the only, really the only, path to doing anything we consider meaningful.
There is also a saying that "our biggest potential lies where our biggest fear is." To go to places that scare us, to see what is there, and then to go for it - until the fear subsides. It is not easy, but it is so worth it.
What becomes possible when you let go of fear
My LinkedIn writing journey is proof of this. The fear was significant. But once done a few times, it became more natural, and the fear of what people would think subsided.
And this is the case with almost anything new we do, anything that scares us at first.
And the so perceived failures? My first company turned out not to have the potential I thought. Having to close it felt terrible at the time. I went through it 10 years ago and still vividly remember the feelings of quilt and shame for “not making it work”. Today though, I can see why everything working out exactly the way it did was indeed for the better - and how that experience was the crucial stepping stone for everything that came later.
Working at a toxic workplace and then being fired from it? At the time, it seemed like the worst thing ever. Looking back, it was a blessing in disguise. It pushed me to do what I had thought, read and dreamed about - but did not dare to try while staying in my (unhappy) comfort zone. Sometimes, when we cannot decide, other people or circumstances make a (right) decision for us.
And in today's environment - the changing work landscape and lots of uncertainty about what is coming- the ability to let go of the fear, embrace the change, and move into the excitement about what is coming and what could be possible will be, in my view, crucial.
Questions to ask yourself
I want to leave you with a few questions:
What would you dare to want if you knew you could not fail?
What would you dare to do if you knew no one would judge you?
What would be possible for you if you thought there was no such thing as failure?
What is the one thing you would do if you were sure there was no way to fail?
Then start by doing that one thing. The one thing, small or big, that you have been avoiding doing because you might fail. And notice what happens - you might get genuinely (positively) surprised!