The myth of having it all

A humbling beginning

Five years ago, I recall telling my then-new boyfriend (now my husband) about two close friends who had just had their first baby and brought their mothers in for a few months to help. I genuinely could not understand why. It is two adults and one baby, how hard can it be?

He laughed and said he would remind me of those words one day. Then he asked me if I truly believed one could “have it all.” Absolutely, I said. Why would it not be possible? After all, it just comes down to being well-organised.

And then came the reality check. A difficult pregnancy, a premature birth, and a narrowly avoided postpartum depression stripped away every illusion of control I had. It was deeply humbling, to say the least. Then came the second child, and life with two under two just confirmed what I was already starting to realize: we can have it all, just not all at once.

The weight of expectations

I know women whose ambition only grew after having children, whose vision became even bigger and bolder than before. I admire them.

And then, some women become mothers and realize they love it so much that being a mum is enough. They devote themselves fully to the toughest and most underappreciated job in the world, where constant work often leaves little to no visible trace. I probably admire them even more.

I believe it is beneficial for every woman to work, but to the extent that family logistics and finances allow, the form that work takes should be her own choice. To do that, though, we must peel back the layers of expectation that have built up over the years: what society, family, and friends tell us we should want.

On one end, there are places where women are expected to marry earlier, have children, and stop working. On the other end, there is the unspoken assumption that if you have gone to top schools and built an impressive résumé, you must “use it” or risk failure. Different worlds, same fear: the fear of disappointing others, of not fulfilling our potential, of somehow failing.

And that is the irony: “failure” itself is a construct. It can mean opposite things depending on who you ask. Working or not working. Being “too ambitious” or “not ambitious enough.” Which only shows it does not truly exist.

Seasons, not a superwoman

My husband was right in questioning my belief. The key is “not all at once.” I truly believe that over our lives, we can be, do, and have all we want. But not at the same time.

Life moves in seasons. Priorities shift. The years of newborns and toddlers, filled with short nights, navigation of early years challenges, and total exhaustion, cannot be compared to the years when our children become independent. (If you haven’t yet read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry, I cannot recommend it enough)

Also, children need us differently as time passes. In those early years, they need us to make sense of their world, themselves, and their emotions. Other people can, of course, help, but there is something that cannot be outsourced, and that is our presence.

The rush that never ends

In my work with exceptional, driven women, I often hear the same things: They are working twelve hours a day, feeling exhausted, guilty everywhere: at work for not doing enough, at home for not being present enough, frustrated for not having time for themselves.

They feel constantly behind, chasing a train that never stops.

When I tell them that, if they’re in their late thirties or early forties and in good health, they’ll likely work another thirty years, there’s usually a long pause. We live longer, retirement may come later (if at all). So why the rush? What are we afraid of missing?

The seasons that matter

The truth is, the years when children truly need us most are just one season of life. After that, we have decades to achieve everything else.

A woman I very much admire had four children close together, stayed home for a decade, and then went on to create one of the leading global conferences in her field. By postponing her ambition, she was able to dedicate one season to her children and then catch up in the next one.

However, it does not have to be one way or the other. It does not have to be a full return to 'business as usual' or a complete withdrawal to 'stay at home.' We are lucky to live in a time when so much more is possible: new career designs and options have opened up possibilities to combine our life and work in ways that better fit our priorities and the season of our lives.

Normalizing every choice

The unpleasant truth is: we all have only 24 hours in each day. Time is the most valuable thing we have. If we look at key areas of life - family, career, friends, social life, and our own well-being, we realize an even more uncomfortable truth: something has got to give.

And whatever the choice, it is fine, as long as it is ours.

Ideally, we took a conscious decision, thought it through, identified our priorities in that specific season of life, and acted accordingly.

That choice can be building or running a unicorn, being a partner at a prestigious financial institution, or raising children and doing some work aside when time allows - and everything in between.

Every woman who seems to “have it all” knows the invisible cost: precious moments missed, friendships neglected, interests abandoned, and the guilt. And those who made different choices sometimes miss their “old selves,” the version who existed before nappies and toddler tantrums.

So yes, you can have it all - just not at once. And maybe that is not a loss after all.