Why we stay when it no longer fits

When the noise of everyday life quiets - during a late-night feed, a walk to the office, or a rare moment alone - the question might start to circle: Is this still me?

We do not plan for identity shifts. They creep in slowly, until one day the version of ourselves that once fit perfectly feels too tight, like a dress we have outgrown but still try to squeeze into.

For many high-achieving women, this moment does not come with a dramatic event but with a quiet realization: the career that once defined us no longer feels like home. And yet, despite knowing this, we stay.

The Identity Shock

In many countries, maternity leave lasts only a few months (if at all). Some genuinely want to return to work as soon as possible. But many go back not out of choice, but fear: fear of losing clients, opportunities, or relevance. It’s often fear disguised as obligation or necessity.

Motherhood (and fatherhood!) transforms us in ways we can’t predict. The new identity born with a child reshapes everything - our worldview, priorities, emotions, and sense of self.

Many who planned to return after a few months change their minds once they hold their baby, and then feel guilty for not doing what their “old self” would have done. So they push on, following what’s expected -  the nurse, the school, the clubs - until they’re quietly driven by expectations, lifestyle costs, and "fear".

And so, they stay.

The Identity Trap

At first, it is subtle. A couple of small compromises, an unspoken comparison here and there. And before we know it, we are trapped - by lifestyle, by expectations, by the weight of what we’ve built.

In my work, I’ve heard the following sentences over and over again:

“I’d love to move out of London, but where else would I earn this much?”

“I’d love to work in something more creative, but those jobs do not pay enough.”

“I’ve worked so hard to get here. How can I just walk away?”

“If I leave, I’ll have to start from zero.”

“What would I tell people?”

These sentences all share common fears: the fear of losing status, safety, and ultimately belonging (remember the sabre-toothed tiger from my previous article?). And underneath that fear lies the question we rarely voice:

“Who am I without this job title and outward success?”

Why we stay

Our careers take the center stage the moment we start working, especially in demanding industries where twelve-hour days are the expected norm. And when everything changes, when family enters the picture, when our priorities shift, we suddenly realize how deeply our worth has become tied to what we do.

There are four main reasons we stay trapped:

1. Financial safety

Even when we earn well, we may not feel financially safe. That feeling rarely correlates with income; it is primarily tied to what we learned about money growing up and the beliefs we developed about money. Some of us were raised around financial anxiety or instability, others in environments where success meant security. Throw in some generational trauma (war, hyperinflation, bankruptcy, etc.) and you have a perfect storm.

The belief that “I’ll feel safe once I earn a bit more” often keeps us running in circles - for example, waiting for one more (deferred) bonus before even considering a change.

2. Fear of the unknown

If you’ve spent years, maybe even decades, in the same industry and/or similar type of role, it is very understandable to wonder: What else could I even do?

Somewhere along the way, we started to define ourselves by our job descriptions. We tend to underestimate how much experience, skill, and perspective we’ve built over time. And we forget that our abilities are transferable and that reinvention doesn’t mean starting from scratch - it means starting from experience.

3. Your identity

This is often the hardest one. For high-achievers, our value has been measured for years by external success: job title, company name, career achievements. When that’s gone (or merely questioned), it can feel like a loss of self.

In truth, it is not failure; it is evolution. It is the moment when you begin to separate who you are from what you do.

4. Community

Some of us are fortunate to work in a supportive, friendly work environment surrounded by great colleagues. At the end of the day, we are social animals and like to be a part of the tribe where we feel we belong. This is not easy to give up, especially taking into account that many other career paths, while offering other “perks” and advantages, might, by default, be lonelier ones.

Redefining success

This is a key turning point, the space between who we were and who we’re becoming. It can feel disorienting, but it is eventually deeply liberating. Staying trapped isn’t failure; it’s feedback, a sign we’ve outgrown what once fit. A quiet nudge to pause and ask: Who do I want to be? What does success mean for me now?

The real work begins with an identity shift, as we revisit the parts of ourselves we’ve set aside: our values, passions, and life beyond work. And before the change actually materialises.

For many, this is the moment to imagine a different kind of career: one that allows us to use our skills fully, explore new paths, and design work around our present life situation, not the other way around. Then, success is no longer what society, colleagues, or peers say it should be. It’s what and how we define it for ourselves.